Silly Old Twit

     Steve Brookstein is now officially a failure. But Brookstein is no common failure , he is a total failure. He’s famous for it. He’s turned failure into an art form. Brookstein ( better know as , “Steve who?)  has failed at just about everything he has put his hand to. Long before we knew there was an X Factor Brookstein was failing. If they gave PHD’s in failure  he’d be the best educated man in Britain. Brookstein , who has been described by Louis Walsh as , ‘ looking like a serial killer’ must , at some time in the past , have committed some terrible crime for which God is now punishing him.”" Mr Slick Vegas” , that’s what Sharon Osbourne called him. He’s made enemies , and who needs enemies ?. – not Brookstein for sure , he’s got enough troubles.

     Brookstein’s  long journey towards failure started well before 2004 when he won first place in the X Factor. It’s a long  convoluted story half shrouded in myth and bordering on the absurd. At one point a producer friend of his decided to make a Northern Soul record – and why ? Well he did it just to prove it could still be done. Most people do it for the money but not this guy , HE was just  trying to make a point. …..’getting confused ? Don’t let it bother you , I think Steve himself is still trying to figure it out. Let me explain……

     The guy , this producer guy ( I can’t remember his name and I’m too lazy to start googling it just now) was, it seems ,a great Northern Soul fan. N.S. fan’s are  for the most part sad little people who think that it all began and ended with  the golden age of Northern Soul. That age is ended , they will tell you. Elvis is Dead and all that. It’s not that they don’t make records like that any more – they CAN’T make records like that any more. The book is closed , the seals have been sealed …..end of story. So far so good  untill that is Steve’s producer friend  comes along. He was a genuine lover of Northern Soul , a democratic sort of man who just loved the music and was not intimidated by the legend. He had been arguing for years that yes , yes you could have a NS record today and that it would be just  as ‘real’ as ‘valid’ as anything from the golden age , provided the music was good. Like I say , a true democrat. So one day he’s sitting at home watching TV and who’s on the box but our Steve. He hears Steve singing and thinks , “This guy would make a great Norther Soul singer”. To make a long story short he  gets Steve into the studio with a few backing singers , records a few track and calls the four man group The Four Vandals. They cut a 45 record and just to make it really ‘authentic’ they dated it 1971 and then aged the few copies (3)  that were pressed so that the whole thing looked like a genuine old 70′s record. Part of the ageing process was to drop the disc in a bucket of water…….

  By the way , I’m not making this up as I go along , you can check it all out yourself on the WWW. So , here’s this genuine fake and it’s put in the way of a few DJ’s and next thing it becomes a hit on the Norther Soul circuit. Everyone is raving about it. Urban legends start to form around the lead singer (Brookstein).  The 45 meanwhile is taking on cult status and starts making it on to the collectors list and before you can say , ’Life  is a bitch’ it’s selling for big bucks.  Really BIG bucks. Steve is becoming famous in record circles but nobody knows it’s Steve. Norther Soul fanatics are mortgaging their homes to get their hands on a copy. This is record collector history in the making. But like I said , nobody knows it’s Steve and he’s not making a penny……His producer friend is happy , he’s proved everyone wrong but he can’t tell anyone. Meanwhile ……back on planet earth Steve makes a decision…….

     He decided to audition for the X Factor. Unfortunately he wins so the whole story of the Four Vandals comes out and there are a lots of angry people who feel they have been had/conned and generally made to look like fools. Steve becomes famous as a fraud or worse still a dupe. While the vinyl experts of the world are trying to figure out what’s going on Steve decides he’s not going to sell his soul with another covers album for  Simon Cowell so he becomes famous all over again as the man who walked away or was sacked by Cowell. He becomes , for all practical purposes , blacklisted. There’s no actual conspiracy , Cowell doesn’t start calling people and saying , “Don’t deal with Brookstein” he doesn’t have to. Nobody wants to rock Cowells boat and the rest of the gang don’t trust Brookstein …they’re  not sure if he’s a fool or a bad guy and they don’t want to find out either.

   Long , long before any of this happened Brookstein had actually made a  record which got good reviews but the record was never released. (he’s actually made several record )  He also promoted/managed or produced two acts and even got them record contracts with , I think , Virgin and some other major label. There was a trip to the USA and a 1 million pound/dollar contract for one of the acts but after spending a fortune the  acts were dropped. It goes on an on. There’s no end to it. I’ve only scratched the surface here but take it from me , when it come to Steve Brookstein , the truth is far weirder than the strangest of strange  fiction. Brookstein is in a lose , lose situation. He’s become famous for being a failure – his last gig  was a pub gig with a cover charge that wouldn’t buy a diet coke. In between songs he apparently spent  much of the time rambling on about Simon Cowell….punters were wondering if they were witnessing a nervous breakdown live on stage. As one girl put it , ‘It was all very sad’. Like  I’ve said , he’s in a lose  ,lose situation. He’s so famous now as a failure that  even a hint of  success would ruin him. The whole thing is a joke. Brookstein is a joke. It’s all hysterically funny……

   But the funniest bit of all is that Steve Brookstein is actually a very fine soul singer. He has a distinctive voice that many singers would be quite  envious of. He’s good-looking in a ,’ I used to drink but now I’m sober ’, kind of way and has a cheeky chap grin that you love or hate but that you can’t really ignore. He has the good grace and intelligence to be able to laugh at some of the insanity of what he calls his life. He thinks/ knows that he’s good at what he does but understands that others might have a different point of view and is philosophical about it. He’s a good entertainer. He probably has more charisma and raw talent in his little finger than will ever emerge from the X Factor Hall of Fame. Above all Steve Brookstein is an interesting man. While some get paid to bawl out , “I did it my way” Steve has been busy actually doing it his way. He has recorded his own independent album , ’40,000 Things’ , which , while not THE  great classic soul album does suggests that the classic album might not be too far down the line. He’s recorded bit’s and pieces in an anarchic fashion over the years and all of it is good , some very good indeed. He’s written/co written what I for one consider to be classic tracks ( a couple of which are on 40.000 Things). All things considered , in spite of all the failures , Brookstein might just be the best soul singer to come out of England. He’ll probably never sell  the mega / platinum numbers that  are obligatory today for anyone who want’s to be a star but what he does produce will certainly last a lot  longer. Ironically , he is a legend and a failure at the same time.

          Sometimes , just sometimes when I’m on YouTube and come across Steve Brookstein I find myself wondering what is it that keeps drawing me back to these video clips ….even the X Factor one’s. There’s  something about Brookstein , no matter how much I read of flops and failures, in spite of a paucity of albums or anything tangible  by the man. In spite of it all I just keep feeling that this man might just be special. But I can’t figure him out……He bloggs , nothing wrong with that , he twitters/tweets  too (quite a lot in fact) but no harm in that either. When he’s not on the internet he’s giving interviews , most of which reinforce the failure image…..he’s a busy man and seems easily distracted. He recently completed work on his wife’s album.  He has a fixation with Cowell and the X Factor , even his tweets are dominated by it. He seems to spend his life having public conversations that all end up with the big X. He’s obviously has never heard the old adage about holes and digging.  If news is slow and your short of copy don’t worry , old Brookstein is always good for a few column inches…He has some  sort of amnesia where the word NO is concerned. Maybe it’s a religious thing.   He needs a minder – as Simon said , ‘Your going to need a lot of work Steve’. He had no idea just how right he was but neither did Steve. Steve Brookstein would be doing just fine if it wasn’t for Steve Brookstein. And all the time time is moving on. He’s now 40  and according to himself he may have wasted 20 years of that. The butt end of jokes (Steve who?) ha ha ha he just smiles that cheeky smile and then gives another interview. But the joke is wearing thin. He’s turning into a parody of  the failed reality star.

     I like the old stuff , the good stuff. Charlie Parket , Ellington , Ella Fitzgerald – the classics. They don’t make artists like that any more with the possible exception of Amy Winehouse and Steve Brookstein but both of those seem hell bent on messing things up.  He is seen by many as ‘a pub singer who got lucky’ but anyone who thinks that is a musical illiterate. He is his own worst enemy but I can think of a few of the greats who were much the same. A complex man , an insecure man who seems forever to be trying explain himself. Yesterday’s man who somewhere deep down knows he’s better than that but isn’t quite sure what to do about it. You could write a book about this man and some day someone probably will…..

               A failure ? Yes , and let’s not get side tracked by empty politeness …..this is not what  the man was  aiming for when he first wrapped his fist around a microphone. He looks startled , uncertain when under the spotlite. He seems a little surprise to be there in the first place. An innocent abroad.  He always wanted to be on the stage , “Look at me Ma , I’m top of the world“.  – Ladies and gentleman , put you hands together. Ladies and gentlemen , let’s give him a warm welcome. Ladies and gentlemen , it’s …….MRRRR STEEEEEEVE BROOKSTEEEEEENNNNN.

   If you want to see just how charming this man can be check out this interview he did with Paul Morley. If you should happen to meet him in the street give him a good clip around the ear and tell him to get back in the studio. He’s made a bit of money (more than I’ve ever made) and he’s done some interesting things ( far more than I’ve done).  He’s had his 5 minutes of fame (several times). He’s has achieved more than many of his critics will ever achieve. He’s lived his dream which is something most of us just don’t have the wit , courage or ability to do. Let’s face it , the guy has been on the X Factor……!  He is probably the best soul singer since Otis Redding and might be even better. But I can’t go into HMV and order his new cd because he hasn’t got around to recording it yet. Yesterday I bought an Amy Winehouse Blu Ray disc and would have bought the Steve Brookstein one but there IS no Brookstein Blu Ray disc. I would kill to get a copy of his Collected Songs but that  doesn’t exist either.  I’d crawl over dead bodies to lay my hands on a copy of his Unreleased Outtakes but there’s no such album.  Meanwhile he’s off giving another interview about his life as a ( failed) reality star. As we say in Ireland , ” Your a terrible man Steve  “. If it wasn’t for the fact that he’s bigger than me and living in another country I would give him a good wallop around the ear myself.